I think I have a disease. And I'm pretty sure it's at the advanced stages. It causes me to have a stomach ache. It puts enormous amount of stress on me. It makes me crazy and crazy Ada is not a good Ada.
It's called caretoomuchwhatothersthinkaritis.
I care waaaaaay to much what people think. What my family thinks. What my friends think. What strangers think. I know...some people don't understand this. Why would I care what strangers think? It doesn't matter, they don't even know me. I can't explain it to you...it just does. And my family and friends love me already so that doesn't make sense. Yet, it is a constant in my world. Crazy.
You know how I've mentioned that I'm a judgey judgerton. I think that is part of the reason. I am a people watcher and sometimes I judge them. So I assume that everyone else is doing the same thing to me. I assume I am being watched and judged all the time. Crazy.
This morning I made a comment on a blog and there was a comment made after mine by another reader that referenced mine. I have been sick all day about it. Seriously. Crazy, right? I don't know if I should say something and try to defend myself (with humor of course because I HATE confrontation). Or if I should let it go. Most people wouldn't have had a second thought about it. Again, crazy.
There have been many things I haven't done because I was scared of what someone might think or say. I freak out if my son says something he shouldn't because what if someone hears him and thinks I am a bad mom. I don't like my daughter to have a messy face because then it looks like I have a rug rat child and I don't care enough to wipe her face. I don't like the pine needles in my driveway because I don't want someone to drive by and think it is trashy. I freak out at church about people looking at the back of my hair. I have to have my toenails painted to even leave the house. I also have to look good because what if I run into someone. And not even someone I know. But the lady at the grocery store. I would prefer if she thought the best of me and my children. It's sick, I know. Sick and also crazy.
There is a website, of course. It is the Experience Project and they have an anonymous group I could join. They also have a group called "I remember my first kiss" and "I love to read" as well as "I have a dog". I could, in fact, join all those groups. (I found the website when I googled my disease to make sure it didn't have a real name when I gave it the name of caretoomuchwhatothersthinkaritis)
Is there a cure for this that I am unaware of? Do you know of a magic pill I can get my hands on? I would love to go to Target and not think the whole world is watching.