Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Jinxed Myself

I spoke too soon...Aidan was up twice and my ex spent the better part of yesterday afternoon driving me crazy and I said something I wish I hadn't. Sooooo, I was up for hours.
Here is my conclusion to hours of a restless sleepless night.

Do NOT get divorced if there are kids involved. I have made this offer to many friends of mine...if you want to get divorced come and live with me for a week. A week. I'm certain that is all it will take. Here is the problem...this person which is driving you crazy while you are married will continue to drive you crazy. Probably more so. This person who you don't agree with on ANYTHING will not have a sudden change of heart and start to agree with you. This person who you share a child with will want to see aforementioned child and that will leave you without said child. This child will no doubt mean the world to you and you will have to trust this other person (who you don't trust) to take care of this child...physically, mentally and emotionally. You will spend the rest of your life going days without seeing your child. Days at a time which will seem like eternity, especially if you do not know what your child is doing, who they are with, what they ate for dinner and if they brushed their teeth. This is just the tip of the iceberg. What about rules and behavior. What about bed times and vitamins. What about video games and playmates? Now you are dealing with two different households, two different set of rules and perhaps two different lifestyles. It is enough to drive a person insane.


I must mention that had I not got divorced I would not have met the love of my life, my best friend and that would be tragic. So, I guess it worked out well for me but the hardships of divorce still take its toll.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Sleeping Beauty

Clearly, by the lack of posts you can see I've been sleeping better. It could be that Abby has decided she no longer needs to wake up at 4am to eat. (knock on wood) It could be that I have rediscovered that cuddling next to Adam and putting my head on his chest is better than NyQuil. It could be that Aidan has finally grown out of his night terrors. (again, knock on wood) Or it could be that I have been getting to the gym in the mornings, well some mornings. And that I have found a new fun way to earn an income for our family. And that some of the house projects on my list are getting done. And I'm getting along fairly well with Aidan's dad. And, well...I'm happy. I am just happy. And dang it is nice to be happy.

So if there isn't much to read on here know that I'm doing the other blog at least once a day and believe me if something is bugging me it will be on here. Well unless it is a person that reads this and then probably not. Unless I name them Arabella and then you won't know who it is. So if you see a post on here about Arabella then you should may be you. Hee hee.

***Tangent*** I am loving the name Arabella. It fits with the A theme and I could finally call a baby of mine Bella. LOVE it. So, now I have to change the name...I don't want to write bad stuff about my future daughter. the name is Beatrice. I know for sure I won't be naming any child of mine Beatrice.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Dream a Little Dream

I was on a walk with the kiddos, Aidan was beside me and I was pushing Abby in the stroller. It was warm and there were people enjoying the afternoon. We were on a trail just looking at things and talking. When all of a sudden I saw a shooting star and I was super excited...shooting stars always make me smile. So I was telling Aidan about it when I saw another. And then another. And the sky turned black and then the sky was full of shooting stars back and forth. And I was time. Jesus was coming back. When I realized what was happening I felt my body float off the ground and then like in the movies my body was swirling around until I landed back safely on my feet in a familiar childhood place(the parking lot of my childhood church). I saw people walking around and I called out for my dad. I knew he would be there and I needed him more than ever. Then I saw a woman walk by with a child. And there it was...the children's area. I walked over to the entrance and called out Aidan's name. He was next to a little baby girl with lots of hair in a polka dot outfit and he ran to me with his giant smile and no front teeth, hugged me tightly and said..." I'm so glad you found me before you went to the edge." It was the BEST feeling I have ever felt, in a dream or in real life. Knowing that my sweet babies were in Heaven with me. It was peace which surpasses all understanding. It was happiness that makes you tingle all over. We were there together. And then I woke up.

*The shooting stars will always get my attention, make me smile and I am a firm believer that it will all start in the sky.
*The parking lot of the Church of Christ...I grew up there. Went to school there everyday k-8 and church twice a week until I was sixteen. Plus, now Aidan goes to kindergarten there so I'm there everyday to drop him off. (My sister who still goes to church there thought that was one of the best parts...Heaven in their parking lot)
*Looking for my dad...he is the reason I will be in Heaven. He shared the Lord with me and raised me to be a believer and have a personal relationship with God. Last but not least...I am a daddy's girl and I just needed him.
*Abby was the baby next to Aidan; she wore that same outfit only days before. I remember because my dad had made mention of the "clown" outfit.

*Not so sure why the "children's area" was a dog kennel.
*Do not know what "the edge" is or why I would be going.

The best part is this...I have always been super scared to die. Since I can remember it would scare me and I would get nervous even thinking about it. I know Heaven will be grand but I have some stuff to do down here before I go...see my children graduate from college and get married and have babies of their own, take a dozen more honeymoons with my amazing husband, win a Grammy...serious stuff. But I woke up calm. I woke up happy. In fact the whole day after all I could do was smile. I could still feel that same peace and joy that I had seeing his face and knowing he was there with me and with his Pappy and his God. And for once I was ok with dying. Maybe my life is in a different place now, maybe my soul is. Or maybe I'm just growing up. But I realized it will be like that feeling I had of complete and utter happiness all day every day and that sounds absolutely lovely.

Friday, April 17, 2009

When I was in high school my dad used to call me a midnight marauder. It was for me and/or my girls when we were headed out for the night or for when he saw us in the morning. I would like to note that I had a curfew of 10pm until I was eighteen so a midnight marauder I was not. And now the only marauding going on are the thoughts that steal my sleep. Hours and hours of sleep.

I will wake up momentarily and then it starts...thoughts of the day, of tomorrow, of what I need to get done, of my children, my family, things I wish I would have said, things I will say tomorrow, lists I need to make, my past, my future, ideas for the house, ideas for my life, my friends that are expecting babies, my friends that want to be expecting babies, church, my garden, my house makeover plans, my new business venture and last night it was this blog.

So we will see if this helps. Maybe if I just share what is going on in my crazy Flanagan head my sleep patterns will return to normal. (Well as normal as they can be with a 3 month old baby)