I read one of my fave blogs the other day. It was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. There were hundreds of women commenting on their own losses. Remembering and praying and sending words of encouragement. It is more common than a person would think. In fact, I was having breakfast with three girlfriends and out of the four of us, three of us had lost a baby. Startling, right.
I was watching an old video from 2004 with my son the other day. He was one and a half so we were watching him dance and sing and say "I yuy you". I forgot how little he was and how dang cute. I smiled for days just hearing that little voice.
One of my birthday parties was also on the video. We watched a little bit and I started opening presents. One was a cosmopolitan set with pink sugar for the rim of the glasses. I smiled (as a cosmo is my fave drink) and said to the camera..."Mmmm, for next year." And then without thinking I said aloud "Oh, that's right, I was pregnant." My son heard me and looked at me funny. He had just seen himself on the video, so he was confused. Dang! Big mouth mama. I tried to explain to him that I was pregnant but, the baby wasn't healthy in my belly and so it didn't make it. He was confused and concerned and then he said to me "You mean we would have another baby right now?" Yes. Well, not so much a baby but a four year old. A four year old. Wow.
It was a difficult moment for a few reasons. One that I had to explain the miscarriage to my six year old son. Then I realized I would have a four year old right now. We would be getting ready for kindergarten next year and my family pictures would have one more little person in them.
It was difficult for a lot of personal reasons at the time. It was hard on my family and I had complications. I remember laying on the couch of my best friend late one night. I remember burning up and she kept taking my temperature and she finally told me if she didn't get my temperature to go down she was taking me to the emergency room. It was a long, hard time in my life.
It was difficult for those around me as well. If you haven't been through this before it is shocking and it is painful. Sometimes you don't know what to say. I would tell you this. Just say you are sorry. Just hug them. Please don't say "at least you have a baby already". I know I already have a baby, but I wanted this one all the same. Please don't say "You'll have more babies". Maybe I will or maybe I won't but that does not discount the fact that this was a baby, my baby. Please don't say nothing at all. It's like it never happened and that is unfair to me and my baby that I won't be having.
I know things happen for a reason. God has a plan for me and my babies. I know that something was not right and that is why that baby did not make it. Knowing that makes it a little easier. I'm not saying I didn't blame myself. I did. It's normal. But, I know now that anything I did or didn't do was not the cause.
Do I get scared still? Yes. I remember last year when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I would pray everyday that everything would be ok. I was scared every morning that something would happen that day. She, of course, was fine and is now 10 months old and stubborn like her mama.
So, I just read over this and it is a mess. Sorry. Been writing this for a few weeks. I would write some, cry a little and stop writing. Thought maybe I wouldn't post it. Thought maybe that was my way of keeping it to myself for the next four years. Don't think I have ever said any of this out loud. Feels a little scary and honest at the same time. So, I will and please just know that I know it sounds a little bit crazy. But, I'm a little bit crazy so that makes perfect sense.